Friday, September 19, 2014

Why I under achieve

Like, should you enable your child to be gifted if by doing so they will increase in liklihood of being an underachiever?

For me I focus on what I can do, when I can do it, and dismiss the rest. I used to be more dismissive. But then I was taught how to be stressed out (at a seminar for how to destress. :() and realized how much shit I was dismissing, and spent years trying to be a better me that didn't dismiss shit and was always completing things.
So then I would do an awesome first 7 steps, and have to finish the last three steps in this structures time line and, I wasnt ready, but now I knew I couldn't dismiss it, so j finished and ruined it.
Or I wouldn't finish it, but I was so stressed out and focused on it I couldn't move on - to be able to come back to it.
Might have been my age too, I guess stress would have eventually been learnt.
It was grade 9, and I was very emotionally delayed. 

What I do as a remedy; let go of things I cannot finish. If it's meant for me to finish, it will wait. If not, I know I gave each project a great start. I still want to finish everything. I have thousands of things I can see every day waiting for me to finish them. Toys to be fixed, puppets to be made; supplies bought, something prepared, then I'm Distracted and its incomplete. I have A crocheted foot in my nightstand.. A pink panther Christmas present from last year, or birthday. I don't remember. But it's waiting. It's not going anywhere. I work very hard to not stress about it not being complete. I start so many things;( current projects once started are pushed to complete; I always complete: cleaning the kitchen and doing a load of laundry as initializing, getting the ball rolling.
Usually I am tired by then though.
I can push through; though I then become hyper focused and irrational at interruptions...
And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.. To everyone who has ever been on the other end of my irrationalization , and I am so sorry ecausd, I still haven't learned anything from it.
I still don't know how to BOTH handle the disruptions, and, get everything done?
And I pick one. Then I pick the other. And so on top of being irrational; I am also unpredictable.
And I avoid people because of it.
And I push people away because of it.
Or I communicate the shit out of my every thought.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Genetic molecule bumping???

So sometimes I feel ok I pretty much always feel like my skin is a .. Fitting around my skeleton.
So the muscles attach it, we all know, right?
But it's like the muscles attach the skin how it's pushed on. From the outside. So I grew up being raised from the outside. It was like they knew how I should look so they pushed all the pieces on in the right places and it was just supposed to be right but it was sloppy and not properly adhered and needed to be broken, then rebuilt from the inside. 
And I'm doing it, but its weird it's not KNOWN its saying currently my body; which looks as body like as every other body feels like it has a muscle pressure curve a degree off from where I FEEL like it should be, but I have no proof. And I have to apply a lot of pressure to alter it and sometimes it makes me feel funny but I don't feel RIGHT. I feel misplaced. This is the only thing that helps. 
 And I feel almost whole again, after so many breaks. 
But I never know. And I never have anyone to talk to about how do you know if your hair line is right?
And who would believe I alter my lines?
It's not that I never take chances it's just not knowing how far you can go.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Good luck!

When I'm drunk and cooking with my toaster oven I just run my hand along the wheels to turn everything up press start and hope i remember when it's done. 

Portal births part two. Such shame:/

One time, when I was pregnant and debating aborting- oh god I can't even remember how it happened but we were walking about the fetus and other shit and I had this weird thought about giving birth to a maggot (my house was in a really bad state - couldn't keep up with cleaning and it was  constant struggle just to keep it live able, primary reason for aborting/,could not take care of what already existed!!!!) anyways, then I see this little white thing on my phone and even though I am aware its a never before arm pinkish odd looking maggot - I squished it and said I didn't think it was a bug but I was so scared it had crawled out my crotch 

Then dh made a joke about how i had just given birth to a maggot.
And I was like OMG.

My house was filthy. I have much shame.

Significant improvements have been made. 
Because abortion.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Sometimes I think...

No that's not in my pocket. I'm not wearing any pockets.
Until I realize oh yes it is, and - I do.

Cooking with marijuana

Is it unethical to cook with marijuana- and not tell a person the food offered contains marihuana?
It's technically just an herb. Do people disclose herbs ? Like "hey watch out for this chicken. I used some parsley"
I mean if someone asks sure!
But is it a requirement to share?
Is it a requirement to offer all ingredients used or any ingredients used?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Any logic here?

Ok so this says that a plant didn't spread to all regions so pack rats ate different foods - due to availability.
Was that correctly understood?
Ok so, because humans basically have unlimited possibilities of what they can acquire, we aren't limited to what foods have migrated naturally to us.. However- my theory to debate is, if availability defines changes like that, could we as humans not decide- I will limit myself to this or this and see if it causes mutations? Wouldn't it work similarly to building up a tolerance to allergens? But toxins?

Monday, July 7, 2014

These women

I am in a debate with my mate, I found this photo on his phone  and he said they were all the same women. 
Blasphemy I say! I showed him my saved copy and said / can you believe how similar their bodies all are?

I stand by; those are at least mostly different women.

A third party suggests they are just fully airbrushed.

Thursday, July 3, 2014


If all the virii we eradicated from humans through vaccines, continued to evolve until finally taking over the entire plant population (perhaps this is the reasonings for dandelions spread?? Hmm?)
What would happen to our food supply if the dandelions DNA became parasitic and adaptable to be host of any other plant system including foods we eat?

Ladies first

Is this a suggestion or command?
I work in a store on a strip mall. Our dumpsters are to the left and customer parking right in front, when approaching my store from the left, I reached the door maybe a mere second before a man. I swung the door open, and then, rather than walking into the man rudely, held the door open for him- and his response?
Not "thankyou" as it would be deemed ride for a women to not reply to to an opened door, regardless of the sex tag, but "ladies first - ALWAY" he specified. I looked at him with an odd smile. Am I to wAlk around him? Thus closing the door on me and him partly before he catches the door I have already opened so HE can be the opener of doors? Am I not doing it right?!
Is he to take the door from me first, so I can grab a quick feel of his sweaty armpit on my shoulder or head?
I just kept staring with an odd smile until he reciprocated the awkward smile accompanied by a laugh and walked in before - but that awkward 30 seconds or so really gave me pause for the general understanding of women first.

Is it just a friendly saying? Or an ingrained belief - and why?
Some reasons I've heard from women include "the door is too heavy for me" and "we deserve the door opened for us. We carry babies after all"
"I just love being doted on"

Do you think no man finds the door too heavy? I assure you not all women will find ANY door too heavy, let alone the average door.
*i* might have carried a baby but not All women ever will. And if you factor in transgenderism, some men have.

But even if you don't want to factor in transgenderism; I know there is debates about if he uses his uterus he's still a woman ; I'm not here to debate that, today.  But - what if you can't tell or mistaken the sex? If a woman identifies as a woman, but bears a penis and manly features, would that woman be mocked and left to fend the door for herself, even if she was one of the weaker ones, or instantly included in all men's perceptions of WOMEN. Not some women, but an entire wave of xx chromosomal eRthlings.

What if a man was simply not strong enough to open these doors some women claim to be SO. HEAVY.
Would they be mocked? Would they feel embarrassed if a strong woman offered to hold the door for them?
Would they refuse from shame?
Because I've had WOMEN decline my physical assistance simply because of my vagina.

I've noticed lately sexism seems more accepted than racism.
I can't wait for the world in which neither are acceptable.

Thursday, June 26, 2014


I've got my a-game on the beginning of this here mosquito season. I'm ahead 12-4.
I just got bit on my ass. I can't see or feel it so it only itches if I touch it which hardly even counts but, it makes 4.
And I have an entire ecosystem brewing in my house.
I leave the doors open all summer long when possible.
Ladybugs hibernated in my high top kitchen cieling all winter, while spiders grew in the corners.. I don't have the heart to kill most bugs anymore.. Scared centipedes I threatened into a corner demanding it to freeZe until I left. 
I had it trapped in a corner.:(
I was so scared of it but I didn't want to kill it:(
I did just kill an earwig though. And honestly think eating squirrel sounds pretty ok. But I vowed to never eat any new animals because I really think eating animals is gross. I see carcasses on the road and think - that's essentially what you eat. I remind myself of them while I eat. I think it is so disgusting. And yet I crave its texture and flavours. 
I don't think its based on nutrients though. I feel always I have surplus even when I'm tired; it's just an imbalance. 
I seriously fuxking digress; I've got this entire system that I play god in; primarily creating a mosquito free environment. Spider survival is key. And bees terrain should be separated ; never kill always remove.

I seriously believe messes in my house reproduce when nobody is watching.

And that birth exists at an intersection with another ejection?
As a newborn of any species ejects its vessel of growth, so too is a debris that once was a part of another ejecting from another reality. 

I'm just a social-loon.

When you don't agree with people who feel right ...Do you just avoid the issue?
Try to change them?
Try to change yourself? (If even just your own understandings)
Attempt to manipulate them into getting help?
Insist they need help?

This can go for anything, off the cuff - abusive relationships like the song in the other post, (Lana del something? Hit feels like a kiss?)or, mental illness- like the guy who believes in shadow boxing..
Can both parties be right?
I think if people are ok with being hit, that's fine. I don't think all violence is wrong, however, even if I feel its their choice, I admit I still think they will eventually, with growth, feel violence is wrong. I don't think it could be healthy long term. But I wonder if I'm wrong. I do believe experiencing pain has made me stronger - but for me I hurt myself so much to have added intentional pain would seem dehumanizing. But I think if I wasnt so clumsy and hurting myself I might enjoy more pain. Some people find it arousing, why not just straight enjoyable? Or beneficial if not even enjoyable. I mean I don't always like healthy foods I eat but they make me feel good.
With shadow boxing example personally I think at least some if not all "crazy" people are seeing into other worlds. They may genuinely be crazy because they can't overlap properly (think; fringe when the two buildings overlapped and them and their doubles were all intwined) but I also think some can line up well and just see more than others and still be seen as crazy and part of me wants to go alongside the shadow boxing side then part of me thinks; if people are legit in need of mental help I don't want to influence them not to.
And then I think, what if crazy? Coz I understand shadow boxing. Explicitly. 
I can separate realities but I find that its not just MY reality that blends but that the plane we all live together on is already divided... We are all living in a multi plane.  It's just the more planes you live on or witness make you a little crazier. 

I think when one "goes with their gut" they are simply seeing the chess board of another reality for a moment they can't explain and utilizing that snapshot to making the game theirs.

Monday, June 23, 2014

I can't think of what to say here. Height advantage?

Is looking at one another Eye to eye a sign of respect?
But should the shorter person raise or taller person lower?
Or should they have a more vertical relationship? 
Would you have a growth spurt willingly to be as tall as another?
If you step back a few feet and can look each other in the eye although on a slanted incline; is it just the ease of gaze?
I changed my perspective (from outward to inwards for just the first sentence.) ...Now I've overthought this. ..

I think its really important to have an easy gaze between all conversers to ensure all parties are equally understood, and therefore respected.

Secondary part..
I've moved on to wondering if an xx chromosome with the say, first x "on" can  switch x's and if so, if they could present an entirely different structure, and also if you could have partial of each x?
Because my knee has since 9 when I bumped my knee on the stairs been affecting the growth of my calf and they never lined up, the Achilles tendon has always built to the side not center. So when I broke my ankle this released the poor hold to open the door for a proper form (I'm still working on, good basis) that's not clear is it my Achilles tenon broke and it killed or pulled out the whole leg muscle, it was like a fresh opportunity and I set my ankle properly (the bulging side tendon caused it to grow at an angle) better?

It makes so much sense in my head.
I just can't imagine I'm a rarity in this case; muscles are not utilized properly. Humans are weapons with skill society is in place to keep us from finding our full strength. 
:. I laughed at work the other day and then couldn't stop because I sounded exactly like the lunatic was in my head.